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Apr 25 2011

20 Insane Movie Star XXX Parodies

via TotalFilm.com

1. Tina Fey

The Movie Star: Forget Sarah Silverman’s OTT fireworks. If you’re looking for  the funniest woman in comedy, you need look no further than Tina Fey.

Best Known For: In celluloid terms, she wrote and starred in Mean Girls and scored box-office pleasing laughs opposite Steve Carell in Date Night. However, she’s best known as bespectacled uber-nerd Liz Lemon, her alter-ego on superlative sitcom 30 Rock.

XXX Version: 30 Rock: A XXX Parody, in which Tina is subbed out for Lisa Ann, the current holder of the XBIZ “Milf Of The Year” award for 2011. Weirdly enough, she was also the star of Who’s Nailin Palin? as Sarah Palin, a role Fey has played herself on Saturday Night Live. Needless to say, she approached the role from a slightly different angle…

2. Harrison Ford

The Movie Star: Gruff man of action, willing to go head to head with terrorists, Nazis, aliens and whatever else you can throw at him.

Best Known For: Some might say Han Solo, but we’d argue that whip-cracking adventurer Indiana Jones remains Mr. Ford’s signature role.

XXX Version: Carolina Jones & The Broken Covenant, in which Harrison finds himself replaced by Ava Rose. She plays the eponymous Carolina Jones, daughter of Indiana, who must shag her way through hordes of villainous Nazis in order to recover the holy grail. Sounds awful doesn’t it? Then again, what would you rather watch…this or Crystal Skull?

3. Uma Thurman

The Movie Star: Occasional rom-com botherer and frequent muse of Quentin Tarantino. Just don’t mention Batman & Robin…

Best Known For: It’s a toss-up between The Bride and Mia Wallace…we’re going to plump for the latter, because it lends itself quite nicely to a pun-tastic porn spoof…

XXX Version: Yep, you guessed it…this one is called Pulp FrictionAva Rose stars again, but she is somewhat upstaged by The Gimp. Unsurprisingly, his role has been beefed up a little for the porn version…

 

4. Johnny Depp

The Movie Star: Perma-quirky indie darling, and third wheel in the Helena Bonham Carter-Tim Burton marriage.

Best Known For: His swaggering, sniggering heroics as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise. Watch out for the fourth money-spinning installment arriving this summer…

XXX Version: Pirates, the Digital Playground epic in which Jesse Jane takes over chief swashbuckling duties (if you know what we mean). The film was so successful it spawned an even more lavish sequel, with over 600 special effects making it the most expensive adult film ever made.

5. Ashley Williams & Ashlynn Yennie

The Movie Stars: Who? Ah, yes. Ashley and Ashlynn were the two lucky girls who starred in The Human Centipede. If you’re wondering which was which, Ashley was the one in the middle…

Best Known For: The aforementioned body-horror debacle. You really have to wonder how desperate for work you’d need to be before you said yes to that script.

XXX Version: The Human Sexipede of course! Because who didn’t come out of The Human Centipede musing, “I wish they’d make a porno out of that”? This time around the mad doc plans to attach his three patients via their “sexual canals” so that they “enjoy the moment of orgasm forever.” Sheesh…

6. Steve Carell

The Movie Star: Hollywood’s doofus du jour, Carell has made a career out of titting-about, and very good at it he is too!

Best Known For: Despite his myriad outings as a  big-screen funnyman, Carell’s defining role has to be Michael Scott, the monstrously clueless boss in The Office: An American Workplace. It doesn’t get any bigger than that…(that’s what she said.)

XXX Version: The Office: A XXX Parody, in which Michael Scott has become Michelle Scott, as played by Ashlynn Brooke. Surprisingly, this is actually pretty funny (the “that’s what she said” jokes are a happy inclusion) which makes it all the more bizarre when the cast start getting their kit off!

7. Zoe Saldana

The Movie Star: Tinseltown’s newest go-to girl for kick-ass action heroines, although there will still be plenty who won’t recognise her without the blue skin…

Best Known For: She was in this movie that came out a couple of years ago…hang on a minute, it’ll come to us. Um…Avatar? Does that sound right?

XXX Version: Hustler redefined the term “blue movie” with This Ain’t Avatar XXX, in which the few subtleties found in the original movie are blasted out of the water by a string of hi-octane sex scenes. Parody stalwart Evan Stone’s pitch perfect spoof of Colonel Quaritch is worth the admission fee alone!

8. Ted Danson

The Movie Star: He might not spend much time on the big screen these days, but once upon a time, Ted Danson meant bums on seats! May we refer you to the Three Men series…?

Best Known For: Hilariously peeling his skin off during the finale of Three Men And A Little Lady…no, alright, he’s a TV star first and foremost, and a bloody good one at that. Cheers is obviously the show he’s most closely associated with, but they couldn’t possibly film a Porno based on that…could they?

XXX Version: They could and they have in the form of Cheers: A XXX Parody. Daft as it may sound, you can’t knock some of the dialogue. When asked “how’s it going?”, Norm replies, “it’s going down like a two-dollar whore when you hand her a fifty…nice and easy.” Zing!

9. Jessica Simpson

The Movie Star: Reality telly harridan done-good, Jessica Simpson nearly gave poor Willy Nelson a heart attack when she poured herself into a pair of hot-pants for a Daisy Duke-themed music video. That would have been all well and good, but sadly, there was a full-length movie to go with it…

Best Known For: The aforementioned comedy car-crash in which the combined charm of Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott and Burt Reynolds can’t drag a dire script out of the mire.

XXX Version: Vouyer Media‘s Not Really…The Dukes Of Hazzard (starring Ryder Skye), in which all the witless capering of the real movie is present and correct, only now with added nudity. That bumps it up a star in our book!

10. Malcolm McDowell

The Movie Star: Captain Kirk-slaying ne’er do well with one of the most intense glowers in contemporary cinema. Be careful not to look him in the eyes lest you turn into stone.

Best Known For: His milk-quaffing, slang-spouting, rape-dispensing turn as Alex De Large in Kubrick’s seminal adaptation of A Clockwork Orange. Haven’t viddied it yet? Shame on you.

XXX Version: Alex De Large becomes a delectable lady-hooligan in A Clockwork Orgy, and guess what? She still drinks “milk”! Only this time it doesn’t come from a glass…

11. Sarah Jessica Parker

The Movie Star: The distinctly equine star of a thousand half-baked rom-coms. Bearable in Mars Attacks, if only for the fact that her head is transplanted onto the body of a dog.

Best Known For: Chucking back Martinis and yapping on about shoes in Sex And The City and its pair of movie spin-offs.

XXX Version: The New Sensations team are at it again with Sex And The City: A XXX Parody, and once again, the script contains more than a few zingers. Our favourite? When the Samantha character responds to Carrie’s impending departure with the following: “Do I have semen in my ears, or did I just hear you say that you’re leaving us?”

12. Mark Addy

The Movie Star: Oh come on…you remember Mark Addy, surely? Got his kit off in The Full Monty? Looks a bit like a friendly binman? Hasn’t been near a cinema screen in years? How quickly they forget…

Best Known For: His big break in Hollywood came as John Goodman’s replacement in The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas. Ah, “Rock Vegas”…gets us every time.

XXX Version: Even considering their usual offbeat choices, The Flintstones: A XXX Parody seems an odd selection for parody kings New Sensations. Still, there is something to be said for a film that includes a sex scene between Wilma and Betty. And we can’t be 100% certain that that isn’t Mark Addy in the lead role…

13. Jennifer Aniston

The Movie Star: The former Mrs. Brad Pitt has had a pretty rough ride since the whole Brangelina fiasco began, but thankfully the great roles have continued to roll in. Oh, we shouldn’t tease…

Best Known For: Her fabulously-coiffed turn as Rachel in Friends. And if her movie career hasn’t always hit the high notes, she can at least console herself that she isn’t Matt LeBlanc.

XXX Version: It’s those crazy cats at New Sensations again, with Friends: A XXX Parody. The plot revolves around Monica’s bachelorette party, so there are plenty of strippers and sex dolls to compensate for the godawful script. Altogether now, “Someone told me with friends like these I might get laiiiiiid!” (This is actually sung over the opening credits…)

14. Garrett Hedlund

The Movie Star: The new sci-fi poster-boy on the block, Hedlund will next be seen as counter-culture icon Dean Moriarty in the upcoming adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s On The Road.

Best Known For: Combating a host of CGI bells and whistles to play Jeff Bridges’ son in TRON: Legacy.

XXX Version: The wittily named PRON (it’s an anagram…geddit?) starring Andy San Dimas in which Hedlund’s character is a drone at sex-toy manufacturer who hacks into his employer’s “erection computer system”. Contains such lines as, “the masturbation control programme’s not gonna like this at all.” Brilliant.

15. Molly Ringwald

The Movie Star: Flame-haired staple of the ‘80s teen movie, Ringwald’s big screen career has been pretty quiet over the last decade or so, unless of course you count her cameo in Not Another Teen Movie. Which you shouldn’t.

Best Known For: Starring in The Breakfast Club as Claire Standish, the most popular girl in school. A triumph for redheads everywhere!

XXX Version: The Breakfast Club: A XXX Parody, in which Faye Reagan plays Claire and her true colours are finally revealed: “Fine! Yes! I guess I’ll do just about anybody because I’m a big old slut.” She sets about proving it too…

16. Jerry Seinfeld

The Movie Star: Seinfeld seems to treat the silver screen with an air of suspicion, with his only major starring role coming in the form of Bee Movie. Still, his telly show was a bit good wasn’t it?

Best Known For: His self-titled sit-com in which he got to show off his stand-up chops alongside his acting smarts to hilarious effect. The recent reunion storyline on Curb Your Enthusiasm reminded us just how great Seinfeld was in the first place.

XXX Version: Have a guess…that’s right, it’s Seinfeld: A XXX Parody. The plot sees Kramer decide to film his own porno (a storyline that wouldn’t be all that far-fetched in the show), whilst Seinfeld fires off neurotic quips concerning double-penetration. Odd it might be, but there’s no denying that Eric John’s Kramer impression is uncanny!

17. Kristen Stewart

The Movie Star: Those who are only familiar with her Incredible Sulk routine from the Twilight movies might not have much time for her, but given a decent script to work with, Kristen Stewart can be an engaging screen presence. Give Adventureland a look if you don’t believe us…

Best Known For: Moping around after a peaky-looking goth and a shirtless stalker in the interminable Twilight Saga.

XXX Version: This Isn’t Twilight (an appealing title for sure) in which R-Patz’s stand-in manages the considerable feat of looking even sicklier than the boy wonder himself. Oh and in case you were worried that a confused tween might accidentally get their hands on this, the helpful tagline should put them off: “When you can fuck forever, you can fuck everybody.” Nice logic.

18. Jeff Bridges

The Movie Star: Twinkly Oscar-winner Bridges is moving inexorably into “Hollywood treasure” territory. Expect him to scoop a few more Academy nods as the venerable star runs the gamut of grizzled old reprobates over the coming years.

Best Known For: The oft-quoted Big Lebowski, as the perma-robed, White Russian-quaffing Dude. He abides, you know.

XXX Version: The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody, in which Tom Byron pulls off that rarest of porn movie tricks…he can actually deliver a line! Don’t worry, there’s heaps of skin as well, but it’s a refreshing change to watch one of these where the lead actor has something upstairs as well as down.

19. Gillian Anderson

The Movie Star: ‘90s sex-symbol turned period-drama regular…there’s a sentence we never thought we’d write! Still, that pretty much sums it up. Oh, and she inexplicably appeared in a rape revenge drama with Danny Dyer. Yikes!

Best Known For: Her pouting scepticism as Dana Scully in long-running sci-fi spook-em-up The X Files.

XXX Version: No prizes for guessing what this one is called. That’s right, it’s The Sex Files, a production that is helped a thousand times over by the casting of Anderson lookalike Kimberly Kane in the lead role. “You do realise how difficult it’s going to be to prosecute Satan’s whore,” she says…with a straight face! Give that girl an Oscar!

20. Marge Simpson

The Movie Star: The blue-haired, gravel-voiced matriarch of everybody’s favourite cartoon family.

Best Known For: The TV show, the movie…come on, you know the drill.

XXX Version: Yep, they made it…Simpsons: A XXX Parody. Why this exists is frankly beyond us, but there we go. People are strange. Bizarrely enough, the makers have opted not to go down the anime route for this one, instead preferring to daub their performers in yellow paint. The Homer impression is spot on, and we like the fact that Evan Stone appears as Rainier Wolfcastle, but everything else about this is wrong, wrong, wrong. The kind of thing you really, really wish you could unsee.